


broken hearts, shattered songs

by jdalex



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-29
Updated: 2012-11-29
Packaged: 2017-11-19 20:46:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/577470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdalex/pseuds/jdalex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	broken hearts, shattered songs

It’s not that Liam thinks Harry is weird, because he’s not, and Liam  _doesn’t_  think that. In fact Liam doesn’t think anyone outside his family is weird (because let’s be honest, his family is really weird). But Harry is – well Harry’s different, but not in a bad way, he’s just – he’s simply Harry. There’s no explanation, no definition.

He’s quiet and reserved and Liam’s pretty sure (positive) the boy’s only said two words to him the whole time he’s known him, which technically is just a few months but still.

 

_Liam’s running late, of course he is, it’s the first back at class and he’s late, he really shouldn’t be surprised. He’s sprinting down the hallways, turning corners, taking the stairs two at a time because the fates aren’t on his side today, the lecture room he needed to be in five minutes ago is all the way across campus. He turns a corner sharply, which, in hindsight was a bad idea, and runs straight into a very solid object. Liam stutters backwards, legs working to try and keep himself up right but failing, he lands on his arse with a soft thud. What, or rather who, he’s run into is the same position, books scattered around him and curly brown hair disheveled and covering his face._

_“Fuck! I’m so sorry, I’m late for class and –” Liam’s already on his hands and knees grabbing at the boy’s books that are all over the place. Liam hands them back to him and watches as the curly haired boy shakes his hair before pushing it to one side and wow, he’s kind of beautiful. “I’m sorry, you must be new? I don’t recognize you.”_

_The boy bites his lip nervously and nods, hands shakily reaching out for the books Liam’s offering. “I’m Liam.” Liam says he stands back up and offers a hand to the pretty boy at his feet. He accepts, pulling himself upright before smiling._

_“Hi Liam.” He whispers, blushing slightly and quick as that, he’s turning the corner and heading the opposite direction Liam needs to be going._

_He’s halfway through his first class when he realizes he’s still picturing the boy’s face and has no name to accompany it. He leans forward in his desk so he can whisper into Niall’s ear who’s sat in front of him. Niall knows everything that happens at this school, the ins and outs and has probably already introduced himself to the boy who is now firmly branded into his brain._

_“New kid, brown curly hair, pretty?”_

_Niall snickers but he turns his head towards Liam none the less, “Harry.”_

_Harry. Liam repeats the name over and over in his head, and he likes the way it rolls off his tongue._

 

“You’re staring again. In fact, the heat of your gaze has settled on the poor guy’s cheeks.”

Louis snaps Liam out of his thoughts, eyes blurring a bit as they focus. Louis’s right, Liam can see the deep flush on Harry’s cheeks and a small amount of satisfaction coils in his stomach as he realizes that Harry’s perfectly tinted cheeks are all down to him.

“Don’t you think he’s interesting?”

“Not as much as you, no. Why don’t you try talking to him instead, seems a bit less creepy that way.”

“I’ve tried, he barely spoke two words to me.” It’s true, Liam has tried on many different occasions to try and talk to Harry but it seems conversation is just something Harry would rather not partake in. Louis raises an eyebrow at him as if that should be a sign but Liam counters, “He doesn’t talk to anyone.”

“Except Niall…” and apparently Zayn has now joined their conversation.

“Everyone talks to Niall, or rather, Niall talks to everyone.” Liam argues.

“He didn’t really say much to me though.” Niall offers through a mouth full of food, Liam didn’t even notice him sit down. “He was just pleasant to me as I rambled, nodding and humming when the time called for it. He’s a different fellow that one. Lone wolf if you will.”

Liam glances back over at Harry and just catches him standing to leave the library. Liam wants to stand, to walk out with him and talk to him and try to get him to respond but he’s already been caught staring by the poor guy and figures he’s probably scared him enough for one day.

He’s off to general psych now, a class he only shares with Zayn and the two of them are quiet as they walk into the lecture hall. The instructor, Mrs. Stone, gives him a tight lipped look and Liam wants to make a face at the old bat because class doesn’t start for another two whole minutes, she should be happy they even showed up at all.

They take their normal seats in the middle of the room, close enough to hear what she’s saying but far enough away that if Zayn decides to nod off on Liam’s shoulder she can’t tell, her eye sight’s shite anyway.

She’s babbling away about mental disorders or something of the like but Liam suddenly can’t bring himself to listen to her anymore because of the sudden flash of brown curls out of the corner of his eyes. His glance snaps over quickly and he feels a pinch of excitement in his gut when he realizes it’s Harry.

It’s the middle of the semester, closer to November and fuller workloads and Liam doesn’t understand how he’s been in this class this long and not noticed Harry earlier.

“Harry’s in this class.” He finds himself saying out loud and he can see Zayn look over to where Liam currently can’t pull his eyes away from.

“You gonna leave me for him?” Zayn feigns pouting and juts out his bottom lip.

“Shove off.” Liam grumbles.

Zayn’s smirking when he looks back over at him and he’s never liked that look, means Zayn’s planning something and Liam’s usually at the wrong end of Zayn’s ideas. “We should start sitting with him. You need to get closer to him if you’re ever gonna get to touch his dick.”

Liam rolls his eyes and stares ahead again, he does actually need to pay attention because psych definitely isn’t his strong suite but his eyes seem glued to the back of Harry’s chocolate curls and he can’t help the pull towards him.

“Harry!” Zayn shouts suddenly, loud enough that the whole auditorium looks around to the source of the sound. Liam sees Harry look over towards them and then Zayn’s pointing at Liam, smile on his face that makes him look like a lunatic and Liam really wishes his chair could swallow him whole right about now. Harry’s cheeks are suddenly flooded red, cheeks blotching, and he drops his head to cover his embarrassment with his hair.

“Mr. Malik!” Mrs. Stone shouts, because her eyesight might have gone in her old age but she’s extremely accurate when it comes to sounds, voices and the like. “If you disrupt this class again I can assure you you’ll be taking this class again next semester.” Zayn’s never been one of Mrs. Stone’s favorite pupils.

Zayn’s unaffected though because he had the effect he wanted. Operation: embarrass the hell out of Liam is a success. His hands are covering his face and he’s shaking with laughter and Liam is now picturing Zayn’s stupidly quaffed head detached from his body.

“You fucking moron.” Liam growls when class is finally over. Zayn has a this smile on his face as if he’d just won a million pounds and Liam’s now trying to calculate whether a slap to Zayn’s face would knock that smirk right off.

“If you would just make a move I wouldn’t have to do this.” Liam’s brain isn’t working as fast as Zayn’s apparently because just as he gives him a speculative glance he’s being shoved hard to his left, hitting a body he doesn’t have to look at to know is Harry.

They both keep their footing this time, Liam’s arms holding firmly to Harry’s biceps and his mind just starts thinking about how big they are and how strong Harry must be before he drops his hands to his sides. “Sorry Harry, my friend’s a dick.” He mumbles, glancing up at Harry through his lashes and Harry isn’t the only one blushing this time.

“N-no it’s f-fine.”

They’re both quiet for a moment, a few people giving them annoyed glances as they’re kind of blocking the hallway and as Liam bites into his bottom lip he feels a pen hit him in the back of his head. He glares over his shoulder at Zayn who’s looking suspiciously uninterested in the pair of them and cautiously turns back to Harry. “Um would you like to study psych together, I mean I’m kind of crap at it and um I guess maybe two brains is better than one? Of course if you don’t want to I mean that’s fine too. No pressure.” Liam rambles, fidgeting with his fingers.

Something Liam would call a smile graces Harry’s lips and he nods, “N-no I’d like that. To study with you.”

“Yeah?” Liam smiles, “Okay um would tomorrow work?”

“Seven?” Harry asks, “At the library?”

“Yeah, that’ll work. See you tomorrow Harry.”

Harry blushes again, “See you Liam.” He murmurs quietly and then is quickly shuffling off to his next class, hands grabbing at the bag he’s slung over his shoulders and blending in with the crowd.

Liam can’t stop smiling and when Zayn finally comes to get him and lead him off in the direction of the car park he feels giddy. “So, when do you get to touch his cock?” Zayn asks, humor very evident in his voice.

“Piss off, it’s not like that. We’re going to study psych together tomorrow in the library.”

“Oh how very boring of you Liam Payne. You’ve had heart eyes for the kid all semester and the best you can do for a first date is studying?”

“It’s not a date! I don’t even know him, I need to know him before I can date him!”

Zayn makes a face that translates roughly to  _but touching his dick would be so much more fun and I don’t understand yyyooouuuuu._  Zayn’s always been one of those people whose more of a touch first, talk later kinda guy. And well that’s worked out great for him and Louis, but Liam’s certain that Harry would never even consider that and whilst Zayn has knocked him down the moral scale, he’s still not that kind of guy.

+

Liam endures about twenty hours of embarrassing innuendos and snide remarks from Zayn, Niall, and Louis. The latter two finding out as soon as he stepped in the flat he and Niall share, Zayn voicing that “the world must be ending because Liam Payne  _finally_  made a move on Harry Styles and praise god, hallelujah.”

When he does make it to the library, at a quarter to because the last thing he wants to do is make Harry wait for him, his palms are sweaty and he’s starting to feel like the socially awkward teen he was before University. He glances around just make sure Harry isn’t already here and he’s a bit surprised when he catches the gaze of sparkly green eyes. He smiles, making his way over and Harry sort of looks like a dear in the headlights.

“I didn’t think you’d be here already.” Liam says as he drops his bag to the floor and takes a seat next to Harry.

Harry fixes his hair, “I didn’t w-want you to have to wait f-for me.”

Harry doesn’t say much the rest of the night, listening to Liam’s random remarks and ramblings but it turns out, he’s a whiz at psychology.

“You’re kind of like a walking/talking”  _not so much of the talking_ “psych book.” Liam says almost an hour later. Harry smiles, dimples showing and keeps his gaze on his book but nods in agreement to Liam’s statement. “You should have it as your main focus.”

Harry looks up at him then, brows furrowed slightly in confusion, “It is.”

 _Oh._  Liam laughs awkwardly, “Of course, silly me, should have figured that.”

They spend the next half hour revising notes until Liam realizes he should probably get back, he’s got an early class in the morning and a quiz he needs to study for. As they make their way out of the library together Liam debates on asking Harry if he’d like to do this again but at the last second decides he needs to just man up.

“Harry, would you like to get coffee with me sometime?”

Harry sucks in a sharp breath and Liam takes that as a bad sign. “I mean you don’t have to of course, I could… oh how about I just give you my number and if you’d ever like to call me and do this again, or go for coffee or never talk to me again it’s fine.”

Harry freezes for a second before fishing his phone out of his pocket and handing it to Liam. Liam types in his digits quickly before handing the phone back to Harry. Harry still looks a little out of it and Liam smiles, “Okay, well see you.”

“Yeah,” Harry whispers and then the both of them are turning in opposite directions and heading off to their respective flats.

+

It’s three days before Liam mentions that Harry has his number and hasn’t called. He’s talking to himself mainly but Niall hears him.

“You gave him your number?”

Liam’s head snaps up, “What?”

“Harry? You gave him your number?”

Liam sighs, “Yeah, on Wednesday when we were in the library together, he hasn’t called.”

“He doesn’t really seem like the type that would Liam. You should have gotten his number, Harry doesn’t really seem like the kind of guy to dive in head first, you know, not like you.” Niall has his eyebrows raised as if he’s talking about the most obvious thing in the world and Liam feels like an idiot because yeah, Harry doesn’t really seem the type.

He feels even more defeated now.

“You know, I mean, I know a girl, she’s high up on student government and I bet she’d be able to get his number for me, he’s got to have it on file somewhere, you know in case of emergency and all that bullshit. She owes me anyway.”

Liam laughs despite himself, “Thanks for offering but maybe this is what I needed ya know? If he really wanted to hang out with me or whatever, he woulda called don’t you think? Even if he is terribly shy? Like maybe this is like the kick I need to move on? From a guy I wasn’t even dating… I’m pathetic.”

Niall sits down next to him on the couch, “There’s an unopened tub of rocky road in the freezer.”

+

Liam doesn’t sleep well that night, which is ridiculous because he hasn’t sleep right for a few nights now and he doesn’t understand how his body is running on so little sleep. He rolls onto his back and glances over at the clock.

2:09.

He thinks about Harry and why he didn’t get his number instead and why Harry hasn’t called  _and why hasn’t Harry called?!_

The last time he remembers reading the clock is was something like 5:13 and his eyelids finally feel heavy before he’s promptly being pulled from his dreamland back into reality as his phone buzzes on his nightstand. Another look at the clock and he realizes it’s past noon and he did actually get some sleep.

He reaches blindly for his mobile and doesn’t bother clearing his throat, “’lo?” his voice is rough and the sound of sleep hangs from his word.

“Are – were you asleep? I’m sorry!”

 _Fuck._ Liam sits bolt upright in his bed, sheets pooling at his waist. “Harry?”

“Yeah.” Is the small reply at the other end. “I’m sorry – I though you would have been – it’s past noon and I just figured –”

“No, no! It’s okay I promise. It’s time for me to get outta bed anyway.”

Harry breaths out what sounds like a relived sigh, “Oh okay, good. I was – well you asked if I’d like to go for – uh coffee and I – well yeah – like I would like that. I mean if you still would.”

Liam bites at his lip to stop himself from smiling too much, “I would definitely still like that.”

“Like what?” Niall asks as he walks past, looking through Liam’s doorway with a cuppa in hand. He raises his eyebrows in silent question when he sees Liam’s on the phone. Liam makes frantic movements with his hand to get Niall to try and leave but he knows that’s not going to happen. Niall practically bounds into his room and bounces onto the bed before pressing his ear to the back of Liam’s phone so he can hear who’s on the other end. Liam pushes his phone to the other ear and sticks his tongue out at Niall.

“Sorry Harry, what was that?” Niall’s face lights up like a Christmas tree.

“Oh um, would you like to today? Later this afternoon – if you aren’t busy?”

“Nope, not busy at all, how bout Lola’s Coffee House at three?” Liam’s rushing the conversation in way he wishes he didn’t have to but Niall’s pinching his thighs and making these kissing noises and Liam needs to hang up with Harry so he can quickly strangle Niall.

“Yeah, three sounds good, I’ll see you there.”

“Yeah, bye Harry.”

“Bye Liam.”

Liam’s shaking somewhat when he hangs up from excitement and as soon as Niall starts singing  _Harry and Liam sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g_  Liam lunges at him.

+

Liam pulls his pea coat tighter around his shoulders, the October air crisp against his skin. He swings the door open into the coffee house and the smell of slow roasted beans fills his nostrils. He’s never been the biggest coffee drinker but he can definitely appreciate the smell. He glances around quickly before asserting that Harry isn’t here yet and heads up to the counter to order a cappuccino before taking a seat at a little table by the window.

Glancing out, Liam can see snowflakes beginning to fall. The street outside is relatively quiet, just a few people mingling about, going about their lives and Liam’s leg starts to bounce as he waits for Harry.

He’s barely taken his first real drink, without scalding the inside of his mouth, when the bells above the door rattle. He’s glanced up every time he’s heard them and this time he isn’t disappointed. Harry shakes out his hair, and Liam can see small snowflakes clinging to his jacket as the slowly melt into the material.

“Harry.” He calls.

Harry turns, catches his eyes as a shy smile curves those perfectly full lips and his feet start shuffling over to the cozy corner table.

“Hi.” Harry says, voice soft.

“Hey.” Liam replies, smile so wide it’s threatening to crack his cheeks and he has to remind himself to rein it in because he’s been told he looks a bit manic when he smiles like that. “I would have ordered something for you but I have no idea what you like.”

“That’s okay, I don’t drink coffee.”

Liam cocks his head to the side, “You don’t? Yet you agreed to come to coffee with me?”

Harry cheeks flush with color, “I just – you suggested it so I figured it was something you would want to do…”

Liam’s heart clenches in chest.

“Oh… well I’m easy to please so if you’d rather –”

“No this is fine, I’ll just get a hot coca or something.” Harry flashes him a wide smile, dimple indenting his cheek, before he rises from his chair and heads to the counter.

Liam will look back on this as the day he got to know the real Harry. They started talking and Harry started opening up, smiling and laughing and making cheeky remarks and Liam starts to wonder where this is coming from. It’s like watching a caterpillar transform into a butterfly, or something equally as clique, right before his eyes because Harry’s dimples don’t leave his cheeks, the brightness in his green eyes doesn’t fade and Liam feels a bit light headed when Niall starts texting him and demanding he come home. Niall’s never been able to cook for himself and if Liam doesn’t get home soon Niall’s going to starve to death. Liam wants to ignore him but he can practically hear Niall’s whiny tone and he’s going to get charged for going over his texting limit this month if he doesn’t leave soon.

Harry complies easily, smiling and telling him  _it’s fine, I should get back home anyway_  but there’s a lingering look in his eyes that makes Liam want to root down in this chair and talk to Harry forever.

“Um – maybe I’ll see you in Psych tomorrow then.” Harry says.

Liam smiles, “I’ll keep an eye out for you.”

+

Liam oversleeps, which is odd because usually he has Louis jumping on top of him and telling him he needs to leave for class with Zayn or they’ll both flunk. Louis may or may not have taken his boyfriend’s academic career into his own hands just because before the two of them were together Zayn never went to class, opting to sleep and stay warm then trudge through cold winds and sit through a class he could give two fucks about, Zayn’s words, not Liam’s. And now, well Louis’s decided that Zayn’s going to graduate whether Zayn likes it or not.

He’s in the process of stumbling into his trousers, still wiping sleep from his eyes when his phone buzzes to life with a new text message from Zayn.

_Running late this morningggg aha ;) xx_

Liam could have dealt without the mobile laugh and the ;) because that combined makes his insides churn. He doesn’t want to picture what Zayn and Louis are up to and why they’re running late.

The auditorium is pretty quiet, in context, because it’s a Monday and most of the students on this campus just weave Monday into the weekend as it is. He sits where they normally do, and is pulling out his book when he feels a tap on his shoulder. His mind instantly clicks over to Zayn.

“I don’t even wanna know – Oh! Harry!”

Harry gives him a soft smile and points to the seat next to him, “Can I sit here?”

“Of course, yeah.” Liam says, smiling to himself and secretly praying that whatever Zayn and Louis were up to is enough to keep him out of the entirety of this class. Luck is hardly ever on Liam’s side.

Liam can almost sense Zayn’s presence. He can practically feel the weight of his eyes on him and when he looks towards the door, that sly smirk is the first thing Liam sees and he barely gets the chance to suck in a nervous breath before Zayn is  ~~speaking~~  shouting.

“Get it Liam!” He accompanies the words with an obscene thrust of his hips and starts air spanking an invisible person directly in front of him.

Liam’s not sure blood has ever rushed to his cheeks so fast.

“Mr. Malik!” Mrs. Stone shouts but Zayn’s slipping out the door before she can say anything else and Liam is most definitely  _not_ giving Zayn his notes from today.

The students in the room are still glancing over at him, he can feel the heat of their gazes and almost wants to kiss Mrs. Stone when she calls order and starts the lesson. He fidgets in his seat and through the corner of his eye he can see Harry looks just as uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry.” Liam whispers. He looks up through his lashes at Harry and watches as he twitches his fingers through his hair, blush staining his cheeks and neck and sinking below the collar of his shirt. Liam swallows thickly.

“It’s f-fine.” Harry murmurs, peeking over at Liam and Harry’s mouth ends are turned upwards just the slightest bit.

It kind of becomes a thing after that.

Harry sits with Liam, Zayn either pisses off completely or sits somewhere else. He and Liam may have come to an agreement that if Liam lets Zayn copy his notes and lets him know when the tests are, Zayn won’t say or do anything to purposefully embarrass Liam in front of Harry.

Harry and Liam have also fallen into a silent agreement of coffee dates every Sunday at three at Lola’s. Liam calls them dates in his head, or around Niall because Niall actually won’t take the Mickey out of him for this because he knows how smitten Liam really is. He’s never said it out loud to Harry though.

“Sunday date still on?” Well… until now.

Liam’s eyes bug out a bit and his heart rate increases so fast he feels he may pass out. Harry just smiles, staring down at his feet as they walk towards the car park after class, “Actually, um I was thinking maybe we could do a movie night? All these coffee dates are kinda draining my bank account.”

_Harry called them dates._

“Movie night would be fantastic!” he mentally winces at how excited he sounds.

Harry beams at him as they stop by his car, “Saturday alright?”

Liam nods and when Harry reaches out to hug him he practically melts into the touch. It isn’t something Harry does often, he’s actually usually very limited in the amount of physically affection he offers Liam. They are just friends, well sort of, maybe friends isn’t the right word because it doesn’t describe how strongly Liam feels about Harry but still. When Liam thinks of his friends, the ones he can’t get to leave his flat and the one that does actually live there, they touch, everywhere, all the time, there’s no such thing as personal space when it comes to the four of them. With Harry, it’s so different and Liam cherishes any and all touches he gets from the curly headed boy.

It’s a chaste hug but it warms Liam to his bones none the less. “I’ll see you Saturday then.” Harry says, biting into his lip to try and fight the smile but that deep dimple in his left cheek stands out anyway. Liam wants to poke it and laughs at himself when he realizes he’s already acted on that impulse.

Harry’s lip breaks free from the hold his teeth had on it and he laughs, really laughs, the laugh that makes Liam’s insides turn to jelly. “Right, Saturday then.” He says in between giggles before he turns and heads to his own car.

+

Liam’s writing a ten page paper due tomorrow when Niall comes into his bedroom and flops down on his bed.

“We need to get smashed this weekend. This fucking week took me up the arse too many times.”

Liam smirks, saving what he’s written before turning in his chair to face Niall. “Tomorrow?”

“Argh, can’t tomorrow, promised Josh I’d give him more guitar lessons. Saturday though fer sure.”

Liam flushes, “I can’t Saturday.”

Niall’s eyebrows furrow and he twists his body so he can look at Liam properly, “Why?”

“I uh – I have plans.”

“And I think you need to elaborate before I kick you in the nuts.”

“Movie night.”

Niall looks extremely unimpressed, “You’re ditching getting wrecked with me and the boys for a movie night? Are you at least gonna get your dick touched? Because seriously Liam, when is the last time someone other than you touched your cock? And who is this someone that you have a movie date with? I thought you were still chasing Styles’ tail.”

Liam wishes people would stop wondering about when and if and who is touching his dick and whose dick he’s touching. He ignores that for now though, “It is Harry.”

Niall’s eyes widen in a way that’s almost comical. “Really? Wow. I didn’t think you’d made that much progress with him.” Niall smiles at him, genuine and sincere and he gets up to slap Liam on the shoulder, “Congratulations mate. I’ll take your excuse this time but you better not be ditching me for this kid every weekend from now on, you’re my roommate after all.”

“Promise Niall, I’ll make time for you.”

+

Liam’s almost willing to bet that the clock on his nightstand has been dipped in molasses while he waits for six o’clock to roll around. Harry had texted him his address that morning with a smiley face and an added  _can’t wait to see you .xx_  and well, Liam just really needs it to be six o’fucking’clock like right.now.

Niall’s been doing his best to entertain Liam, well as best as he can when he’s horribly hungover because instead of actually spending the night playing guitar, he and Josh opted up for the bar and Liam just shrugs at the current state his flatmate is in because he got the night out he wanted and shouldn’t be pissing and moaning about the headache he can’t overcome.

“Just leave.” Niall huffs.

“It’s barely five!”

Niall waves his hand dismissively, “It’ll take you a half hour to get there with the traffic as is, and I really don’t think Harry’s going to give a fuck if you’re half hour early.”

Liam decides that’s a great idea before pulling Niall in, planting a wet kiss to his forehead and dashing out the door.

It’s quarter to when he finally finds Harry’s flat, parks his car and is standing outside the front door. Hesitantly, he presses the button next to number 310 and waits.

“Hello?” Harry’s voice sounds from the speaker.

“Hey Harry, it’s Liam I’m a bit early but –” Liam stops talking when the buzzer to unlock the door sounds and his eyes crinkle as he ascends the stairwell.

Harry’s flat is homey, a tad messy but warm and smells like cinnamon. He’s already got a movie picked out, some indie flick Liam’s never heard of but Harry says it’s one of his favorites so Liam goes with it.

It isn’t until he sinks into Harry’s tiny couch that he realizes the lack of space has meant that Harry’s thigh is burning onto his own and he may be catching his breath, possibly drowning as he inhales the scent of pure Harry and now Liam is channeling thoughts of Mrs. Stone naked so he can keep down the semi that seems to want to humiliate him.

The movie – well honestly the movie sucks. But Harry’s smiling and laughing and leaning into Liam, they’re shoulder to shoulder now, their bodies a firm line against each other and there’s pizza in front of him, a cold beer in his hand so by Liam saying he even cares about the movie would just make him a liar.

They’re at least half through the movie, Liam prays, when Harry starts poking him. It starts out as just a simple ‘boop’ on the nose and Liam laughs, but then it’s his cheek, chest, arm, thigh, anywhere Harry can reach and then the poking turns to tickling and well, Liam gladly excepts that invitation. Liam turns his body, pining one of Harry’s wrists with his hand while the other brushes fingertips against Harry’s side and Harry is responsive, curling towards Liam, laughing loudly and fighting as best he can with only one hand.

Harry may be taller than Liam but Liam’s stronger and he smiles when he somehow gets both Harry’s hands trapped and has the curly haired boy squirming in his hold, panting loudly, eyes wide and –  _oh._  Liam can feel Harry’s breath on his lips, they’ve somehow moved that close. His eyes drop on their own accord and he watches as Harry licks his lips, bottom lip curling over his top and then he’s pressing his teeth into his bottom lip and Liam wants that. He wants to be the one putting teeth marks in Harry’s lips, wants to suck on it until it’s swollen and Harry’s whimpering in his mouth.

“Harry can I – kiss you?” Harry pants and Liam doesn’t even have the decency to look Harry in the eyes when he talks, too wrapped up in the way Harry’s lips looks.

His tongue darts out to wet his lips and he wants to whimper when he looks up just in time to see Harry’s eyes track the movement. “Yeah okay.” Harry breaths, leaning in and Harry tips his head as Liam’s fingers curl around the nape of his neck.

Liam’s cautious, parting his lips a bit and Harry’s top lip catches between Liam’s and Harry’s lips are so soft and warm and  _wet_  and Liam can’t stop himself from making a pleased noise. Harry freezes, lips stiff and Liam pulls away. He can feel Harry’s body locking up and when he opens his eyes he’s meet with a wide, frantic gaze.

“Harry?”

Harry scuttles back to the arm of the couch, trying to place some distance between him and Liam as his breathing hitches with every shaky breath.

“Harry are you okay?”

Harry’s chest is heaving but he gives a curt nod. Liam reaches out carefully and rubs his hands soothingly over Harry’s tight fists.

“Liam. I need – there’s something I should tell you.”

Liam shuffles in a bit closer and brings his hand up, cupping Harry’s check and brushing some of his unruly curls out his eyes. “What is it Harry?”

Harry’s nostrils flair as he takes a deep breath. He starts picking almost furiously at his nails, gaze fixed on a stain in his carpet that’s been there as long as he’s lived in this flat. Liam watches as his adam’s apple bobs harshly and he wants to reach out and comfort Harry, put his arm around him but he’s not sure that’s something Harry would even want right now. He settles instead on reaching out, squeezing gently at Harry’s knee and Harry jumps so violently it’s as if he’d been electrocuted.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” Liam apologizes immediately.

Harry’s lips are parted, breath coming out in harsh gasps, eyes wide and scared and the pull that’s in Liam’s chest at that moment is so strong it’s almost physically painful. Harry’s hands are shaking something terrible, even as he curls his fingers into fists to try and control them Liam can still see they’re trembling.

Harry reaches out suddenly, grasping Liam’s hand in his own, squeezing hard and when he speaks it’s almost a whisper, “I want to tell you why I’m so weird.”

Liam makes a disapproving sound because he doesn’t think Harry’s weird, people are different and Harry’s just different but Harry stops him from speaking. “No, I am weird, I know I am but there – something happened to me and I’d like to tell you. I trust you.”

Liam turns his hand in Harry’s so he can squeeze back just as hard as he’s getting. “You can tell me anything Harry, but only if you’re sure, I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”

“No.” Harry almost whines, “I need to tell you, I’ve never told anyone before and I can’t keep locking it inside. Please Liam, please, please.” Tears are welling up in Harry’s eyes and Liam’s nodding so frantically he feels he might actually hurt his neck.

“Okay, Harry, it’s okay. You can tell me, I’ll listen.”

“I need you – like can you not say anything until I’m done talking? It’s just, I just want to tell you everything before you – like – yeah can you?”

Liam shakes his head, then nods, “I mean yeah, I won’t talk until you’ve finished.”

“Okay my parents got divorced when I seven and so my sister and I would spend time between the two of them, I’d stay with my dad every other weekend and my sister would stay with him the weekend’s I didn’t. You know, crucial father-son time thing.”

“My dad was always affectionate with me, like before they separated, he’d cuddle me until I feel asleep and like run his fingers through my hair and he’d always tell me how pretty I was. I didn’t think it was weird, not at the time, looking back on it though I see it now.”

Harry’s eye are distance now, “The first time he touched me was the first time I got an erection, I’d taken a nap and woken up with it and panicked, I had no idea what was going on, I thought something was wrong with me and I was crying when I ran into his room.”

“He asked me if I wanted him to make it go away and I – of course I said yes. He cuddled me into bed with him and he started fondling me – I just remember being  _so fucking confused_  because it felt good but I knew – there was something in the back of my mind that was telling me this was wrong.”

Harry’s crying now, not sobbing, but Liam can see the wet tracks winding their way down Harry’s cheeks and he reaches out carefully to wipe them away. Tears burn at his eyelids when Harry leans into the affection. “It kind of escalated from there, but like at first he would just touch me and make me come and then cuddle with me afterwards and those first few months he didn’t force himself on me, didn’t ask me to touch him back and I kinda started thinking ‘well it’s okay like this, he’s just making me feel good and it ends there’.”

Liam squeezes Harry’s hand in reassurance and Harry’s limp grasp tightens as he curls his long fingers over Liam’s fist. “It was my eighth birthday when he asked me to touch him for the first time. I didn’t want to, but he was my dad and I guess maybe I was afraid of him, afraid that if I didn’t he wouldn’t want me anymore and I – so I did. He started forcing himself on me after that.”

“I didn’t want to go and see him anymore, I didn’t want him to hug me but I didn’t want anyone to know why because I  _let_  this happen to me and I was embarrassed and scared of what he would do if I disobeyed him.”

“I was eleven when it finally stopped. I’d become locked away and distance from my friends and family and my mum took me to the doctors and I was prescribed pills for anxiety and depression. I played it off that I was mad at my dad for leaving us and that I felt abandoned by him and I fought with my mum for weeks because I wasn’t going to go and stay with him anymore and she finally caved and told me it was my choice whether or not I wanted to go see him anymore.”

“I don’t talk to him anymore, haven’t seen him since I was sixteen… he calls sometimes but I don’t answer. I mean I’m twenty now and I’ve dealt with it, the medication helps, and like I don’t think about it really, it’s just,” Harry shudders almost viciously, “I haven’t – like I’ve never had a proper relationship or properly kissed someone and I – I had a flashback when I kissed you.”

“Harry –”

“It wasn’t your fault, it’s my stupid mind, it was only a second and I was better once I opened my eyes and saw that it was you. I think I need like a physical reminder that it’s you maybe my hand in your hair – you and him don’t have the same haircut and I think that’d help.”

Liam nods, “Anything you need to do Harry that’s fine.”

“I have nightmares sometimes too but I’m not sure you could really call them nightmares because it’s not something my minds made up, they’re always memories.”

“I just – thank you for listening to me but I understand if you don’t like want me or whatever. I’m fucked up, I know I am and I have emotional baggage and I’m broken–”

“Harry.” The stern tone in Liam’s voice causes Harry to look up at him and they stare back at each other through glassy eyes before Liam speaks again. “I’m sorry for what happened, what your dad did to you but if you honestly think I’m not going to want you anymore because of your past than I guess you don’t know me as well I thought you did.”

Harry smiles, a small one but Liam counts it as victory none the less. Another single tear makes its way down his cheek before he’s snuggling into Liam’ side, tears rolling freely down both their cheeks now but that smile doesn’t leave Harry’s lips so Liam squeezes tighter around Harry’s slim waist.

“I’ve had a crush on you since you knocked me off my feet the first day of class.” Harry says a few minutes later, voice still thick.

Liam laughs, “I walked into class late and had to ask Niall what your name was because I couldn’t stop thinking about your curls and voice and – well that’s a bit embarrassing. I was just going on to say that yeah, feeling’s mutual.”

Harry licks his lips, fingers fiddling with the hem of Liam’s shirt, “I – does this mean – like are you my – are we… dating?”

Liam smiles, kisses the top of Harry’s head before whispering, “If you’d like to be. Then yes, I’d love to consider you my boyfriend.”

“I’d love that.”

+

It’s Friday after next when Liam finds himself cuddled up to Harry in Harry’s bed. Harry had insisted that he stay, the weather turning on them and even though Liam know it would be damn near impossible to make it home, he’d played it off to nothing so serious. Harry blocked the door and told Liam there was no way in hell he was going out there in this and that he should march his arse back to Harry’s bed because the power had gone out and Harry’s flat was freezing.

Harry’s nestled into his side now, heat radiating from him as they’re snuggle under Harry’s heaviest duvets. Harry’s found sleep already but Liam’s mind is elsewhere and he hasn’t been able to settle it enough to nod off. Harry stirs at his side, mumbling in his sleep and Liam brushes his fingers through the curly haired boy’s locks.

It’s a trigger, Liam realizes too late. As if a switch had been flipped, Harry’s jolting awake, pushing angrily away from Liam’s body and practically screaming for him to stop.

“Harry!” Liam calls, “It’s me, it’s Liam.”

Harry freezes, eyes still wide but as the realization flicks over he scrambles forward, locking his arms around Liam’s waist and burying his face into Liam’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Liam hates how helpless Harry sounds.

“No, no, shh. It’s alright.”

“It – you touched my hair, I think?”

Liam nods, “Yeah, I won’t do that anymore Harry.”

Harry pulls back to look Liam in the eye. “No! I don’t want you to not do things with me, I like my hair touched, I do! And especially by you it’s just – my – he used to do that and I was having a memory…”

Liam gives him a sad smile before pulling him back into his side, “Alright, I just won’t touch your hair when you’re sleeping how bout? Then you’re mind can’t trick you into thinking it’s not me.”

Harry sniffles but nods. He reaches over, playing with Liam’s fingers before Liam pulls them both back to lie on the mattress. Harry continues to fiddle with Liam’s fingers and he can almost hear Harry thinking. He doesn’t push, Harry’s been open with him so far and Liam won’t force him to talk about anything he’s not ready for Liam to know.

“Why do you put up with me?” Harry asks softly, tone almost vulnerable.

“I’m not ‘putting up’ with you Harry. I’m being a friend, a partner. I’m being here because you need someone, because I care about you so much. Because I love to see you smile and laugh and I want to try to take your pain away as best I can.”

 A sob tears through Harry’s throat and he curls himself forward into Liam’s warmth, “No one’s ever been there for me like that. I wish I could fix myself for you, I wish there was something that I could do to make this all go away and be normal for you.”

“No, no, this isn’t something that can be overwritten in a night. Harry what happened to you – I wish I could make it all go away too. But I’ll be here for you, I promise, as long as you need and want me.”

Liam’s shirt is wet, soaking through to his skin where Harry’s tears have collected. “I’ll always want you.”

+

 _Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have_.

The words filter through Harry’s subconscious and he fights through the haze of sleep to focus. The power’s back on, the light from the hallway is a too bright signal.

_Maybe I didn’t love you quite as often as I could have._

His heart starts pounding, blood rushing in his ears and as he sits ups he realizes he’s alone in bed. He can hear the cling of pots and pans in the kitchen but the song’s still playing.

_Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time._

It has to stop, he has to make it stop. He tumbles out of bed, the blankets clinging to him as he dislodges himself and on shaky feet he makes his way towards the sound.

  _You were always on my mind, You were always on my mind._

“Harry?” Liam voice sounds but Harry can’t hear it over the screaming in his head to make it stop. He snatches a discarded pot from the sink and without a seconds thought, collides the cookware with the radio sitting on the counter.

He takes in a deep shuddering breath before repeating, hitting the stereo again and again. Gratification starts to seep into his heart as he watches pieces break off and the voice of his father in his head finally dies. He sets the pan down, shaking with emotion and he barely realizes Liam’s standing next to him until he feels the light press of fingertips against the back of his hand.

He flinches from the touch, moving his whole body away from Liam’s, “Don’t touch me.” He takes a step backwards and looks at the mangled mess that was once a radio, he points to it and tries to ignore how badly he’s shaking, “Don’t play that song.”

Harry’s cold the rest of the morning, polite but nowhere near the affectionate person he was when Liam fell asleep. They eat in silence and after Liam loads the dishwasher he glances out into the living room to see Harry curled in on himself, hands tangled into his hair and pulling so hard that Liam’s certain Harry’s scalp must be burning and his heart breaks.

“Should I go Harry?” he asks tentatively.

Harry nods, eyes squeezed shut, “Yes, yes you should go.”

It’s almost bitterly cold out now and when he’s back at his flat his flat he ignores all of Niall’s questions and locks himself into his room. He flings himself onto his bed and screams out into his pillow in frustration. Last night had made Liam feel that they were making progress, taking baby steps and in the morning, two song lyrics have shattered something that he isn’t even sure has begun.

He wants to cry, his eyes are stinging with tears but he’s willing himself not to. He just feels so helpless, he has no idea what he should and shouldn’t be doing, doesn’t know what could be triggering for Harry. He knows it’s a learning process, they’ve fallen into a rhythm that whenever they kiss, Harry keeps his hands either at the base of Liam’s neck, or in his hair all together, it reminds him, keeps him grounded so he knows this is Liam and not  _him_. Knows he is safe and that he can stop anytime he wants.

Liam makes a mental note to blacklist Elvis from his life. He’ll hide those old CD’s of his that his father gave him when he left for Uni. He never really listened to them anyway.

He tries to sleep through the day but he can’t, his mind is wired with thoughts of Harry and he waits because he knows (prays) that Harry will call him and let him know he’s okay.

Niall knocks at around three, “Liam,” he says through the closed door, “do you need anything? Or you know, wanna talk about anything?”

“I’m fine Niall,” he returns, eyes losing focus as he stares at the tiny bumps on his ceiling, he’s been staring so long his mind is starting to make out shapes. Niall doesn’t say anything in return, Liam can hear his soft footsteps as he walks down the hallway. He loves his flatmate for being able to accept things, he doesn’t demand answers, doesn’t question when Liam’s quiet or doesn’t want to talk about things.

A minute later there’s another soft knock before Niall opens the door slowly. He’s got a tub of ice cream in one hand, two spoons in the other and a compassionate smile on his face.

“Promise you’re okay?” he asks as he hands Liam a spoon and opens the carton.

“Yeah,” Liam nods.

“Well,” Niall says around a mouthful of ice cream, “I know you said you don’t wanna talk about it, but if you change your mind, you know I’ll listen.”

“Thanks Niall.”

It’s almost midnight when his phone finally does ring and he wants to cry in relief when he sees Harry’s name on the screen.

“Harry.”

“I’m sorry.”

Their words overlap but Liam shakes his head, “No, nothing to be sorry for.”

“You always say that. I shouldn’t get an excuse to treat you like shite just because I’m mental.”

“You’re not mental and you didn’t treat me like shite. It’s fine Harry, I swear.”

There’s pause on Harry’s end before he speaks again, “He used to sing that song to me. Or rather, he’d sing it when he was cooking breakfast for me the morning after. I don’t know if he did it on purpose, if he wanted me really listen to the lyrics or if it was just some stupid coincidence. It was just this morning, when I woke up to that. I wasn’t twenty year old me in my flat in London, I was eight, back in Cheshire at his house and I couldn’t – I just… I really fucking hate that song.”

“I could go buy every record of that song available in London and we could burn them all if you’d like?”

Harry laughs, long and loud and Liam feels as if his heart is smiling. “I think all is a bit excessive, but like maybe we could do that? Like just buy one of the records that just has that song on it, and burn it? I’m getting some twisted kind of pleasure out of just thinking about it.”

“You know how in cheesy teen rom-com movies the girl gets dumped and then burns pictures of her ex? Well maybe this could be that to you, if the thought alone makes you feel good, imagine what it’d be like to watch the actual album go up in flames?”

“Is it possible to have an emotional orgasm? Because I think that’s exactly how it’d feel.”

+

Liam’s arrives at Harry’s an hour before their psych class the Monday after next. He holds a metal bucket in one hand and an album slipped into a brown paper sheet in the other. It’s a surprise and when Harry opens the door, still a bit groggy (also in one of Liam’s jumpers he borrowed back in November when he had insisted on star gazing at one in the morning), he laughs but Liam can see the excitement in his eyes.

Outside on Harry’s patio, it’s a bit cold, the sun’s shining though, and there’s no wind. Liam sets down the bucket and offers the album to Harry. Harry sits crossed legged on the wood and pulls the album from its brown concealment before turning the album over with deft fingers. Liam joins him on the floor and fiddles with the lighter in his hands as Harry pulls the vinyl from its slip.

Harry’s fingers slide over the title  **Always on my mind** by  **Elvis Presley**. Harry’s stomach is churning and there’s something acidic that is scorching his tongue. His blood is roaring in his ears and he can’t hear anything besides the bitter rage that’s screaming at him to get it over and done with. His eyes flash red and as his grasp tightens on the record he hears a crack. He sucks in a sharp breath, adrenaline pumping through his veins and with a quick, hard twist of his wrists, it snaps.

The relief that floods his body is euphoric and he flings the broken vinyl in the bin with a metal cling. He registers that his expression must read as slightly manic but the sheer happiness is better than any drug.

“Harry?”

Harry offers a soft hum but he can’t take his eyes away from the broken vinyl.

“You’re hands are bleeding.”

Harry’s eyes focus back at Liam’s words and he glances down. He can see the slits the record left in his palms, they’re not deep, but they are bleeding and he watches as red drops start to collect on his patio wood.

“I’ll get you a towel, do you have an old one you wouldn’t mind ruining?”

“There’s some under the sink in my bathroom.”

Liam stands but bends when he nears Harry, “Here,” he hands him the lighter, “you can light it up if you want.”

“I want you to be here when I do.”

Liam smiles, leans in to place a quick kiss to Harry’s temple before shuffling inside to retrieve a cloth. Harry beams, he can still feel Liam’s lips on his skin, the warmth that comes with him and he shivers with goosebumps as a pleasurable feeling rolls over him.

Liam’s back soon, a warm wet rag in his hands and he carefully turns Harry’s right hand palm up before dabbing and rubbing away the blood and repeating the process with his left. When he deems he’s properly cleaned Harry up, he sets the rag aside and grabs the brown paper sleeve, crumpling it up before stuffing it at the bottom of the bucket, setting the broken pieces of vinyl on top of it.

He asks with his eyes, if he’s sure Harry’s ready to do this and Harry smiles, strikes the lighter before taking hold of the album sleeve, lighting the corner of it and dropping it into the bin.

There’s no climatic  _pop_ , no hissing or anything else that would be considered exciting, the fire actually almost goes out a few times but it doesn’t matter. Harry can see the words melting away, turning black before being completely disintegrated and in some way, he feels like that fire is alive inside him, burning away memories and thoughts he wishes he didn’t have. His shoulders feel lighter, as if a weight’s being lifted and he knows it’s all silly and in his head and he’s not  _fixed_  but he feels like he’s closer to being normal than he ever has before.

“Can we maybe not go to psych today?” Harry hears himself ask.

Liam feigns horror and gasps overdramatically, “Harry Styles? Skip class? My god! Are you ill?” Liam pushes his palm flat to Harry’s forehead and Harry snickers as he pushes his hand away. He fixes his hair before giving Liam a serious look, Liam smiles affectionately and takes hold of his hand gingerly. “We can do whatever you want babe, I think Zayn owes me anyway, he can take notes for us for once.”

They spend the day on the couch, eating junk food, and watching lame made-for-tv movies. They’ve arranged themselves on the couch as best they can, Harry pressed up to Liam’s chest and he can feel Liam’s breath ghosting over the back of his neck on every exhale. Harry melts into the feeling of Liam’s body solid against his own, he feels comfortable and stable and  _safe_. Liam’s smell is putting him at ease, along with the light trace of fingertips against his hip. Liam’s humming some tune Harry can’t make out but he’s never wanted to hang on to moment as much as this one.

“Thank you, for today, for everything.”

Liam nuzzles into Harry’s curls, breathing in the scent of his shampoo, “You don’t need to thank me, seeing you as happy as burning that album made you was enough for me.”

Harry shifts onto his back so he can see Liam, “How did you find that? I mean just the one track vinyl?”

Liam flushes a bit, “I’m afraid I can’t reveal my sources.”

Harry pouts, “Liam.” He whines.

Liam sighs in defeat, “I found it on ebay, some bastard kept bidding against me but I won it in the end.”

Harry’s brow furrow, “How much did it cost?”

Liam presses his lips in a tight line and shakes his head, “None of your concern, it was gift and the prices of gifts are meant to be kept a secret.”

“A gift that I burned! Please tell me it didn’t cost you an arm and a leg.”

Liam lifts his right arm and leg simultaneously and wiggles them a bit, “Nope, see? I’m still intact.”

Harry grins, mumbles  _idiot_ under his breath but twists his body a bit so he can press his lips to Liam’s. “I really do appreciate all that you’ve done for me Liam.” Harry says against Liam’s lips, eyes still closed. He can feel Liam nod and the fingertips tracing patterns on his cheek.

“I think I’m falling for you Harry.” Liam whispers.

As Harry opens his eyes, he’s meet with determined brown eyes, adoration dancing in Liam’s irises and Harry feels his heart flutter. “Yeah? I – I think I’m falling for you too.”

Liam smiles, eyes lighting up and he leans forward and presses a kiss to Harry’s lips before peppering the skin of his cheeks, chin, neck, forehead, anywhere he can reach, with more kisses. Harry corrects himself in his head because he doesn’t think, he _knows_  he’s falling for Liam.

+

It’s a few weeks later when Liam finally invites Harry over to his flat. Niall’s promised to be on his best behavior and luckily,  _luckily_ , Zayn and Louis are visiting Louis’ mum for the weekend so he doesn’t have to worry about those two popping in unexpectedly.

“Hey babe.” Liam greets when he opens the door and is meet by Harry’s smiling face.

“Hi.” And Harry ducks in quickly for a hello kiss but Niall’s in the kitchen and as much as Liam would like give Harry a proper hello, he’d also like for Niall to not-

Liam’s hopes are dashed as he hears a long wolf whistle from behind and it’s too late. Liam pulls away, and closes the door firmly behind Harry.

“Hiya Harry! It’s about time Liam brings you around, the way he talks about you I figured you two are married by now.”

Harry laughs, glancing over at Liam from under his lashes and Liam is blushing slightly before he punches Niall playfully on the shoulder, “Shut up.”

Niall stays true to his word, he’s warm to Harry (well Niall’s warm to everyone but Liam can tell he’s really putting in effort in with Harry) and Liam smiles because his best friend and his boyfriend are getting along and he relaxes a bit until Niall starts talking about how he can hear Liam wanking almost every night.

“Right,” Liam grabs onto Harry’s wrist and pulls him down the hallway to his bedroom.

“Do I need to leave so I don’t hear you two going on at it?”

“We’re not having sex but you can piss off if you want, I’d appreciate it.” Niall’s absolutely cackling now but he picks up his coat from the back of one of the kitchen chairs and Liam just catches his wink in time to give him a grateful smile in return.

He shuts his door just in case and when he turns around, Harry is sitting at the edge of his bed, blush rivaling a tomato and he’s fidgeting with on the hem of his button up.

“I’m sorry about him, he’s a bit crass – I would sometimes but he’s actually usually like that.”

Harry toes his worn in converse into Liam’s bedroom carpet but smiles, “No it’s fine. I like him.”

Liam smiles before taking a seat next to Harry on his bed, “I’m glad.” Liam winds his fingers into Harry’s and feels the slightly younger boy relax as he rubs his thumb across the back of Harry’s hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t have you round earlier, I just didn’t want to rush anything, but I’m very glad you’re here now.”

Harry nods, smiling over at Liam but Liam can tell he’s distracted. “No, thank you for having me, I like your place.”

He watches as Harry fiddles with the inseam of his jeans and he squeezes his hand, “Something on your mind love?”

Harry chews on the inside of his lip and Liam watches as color starts to spread across his cheeks. “It’s just what Niall was talking about, is true? Like – do you?”

“Wait, do I what?”

“Do you wank every night?”

Liam gapes, “Oh – I… no, I mean sometimes but he’s exaggerating. It’s not something –”

“I’m sorry.”

“What? Harry no! No please don’t say you’re sorry.”

“No but I am, I mean I don’t necessarily run like a normal guy my age – but… Liam can I ask you something?”

“Of course Harry.”

“Would you touch me?”

Liam feels as if he’s been punched in the stomach, the room’s spinning slightly and he’s not sure he hasn’t lost his mind.

Harry bites into his bottom lip when Liam gives no answer and Liam watches as the pink skin turns white under the pressure. “It’s just we haven’t really gone past kissing and I kinda feel like you’re scared to touch me sometimes and I don’t want you to be. I am okay, like glued back together kind of okay, I still have cracks but I’m whole.”

“I just don’t want you to feel like I’m pressuring you into something Harry, I can wait, there’s no rush.”

Harry nods, “We could, I mean like I’m definitely not ready for sex but-” he takes in deep, shuddering breath, “I’d like for you to touch me, I think about it when I’m alone and I’d – I’d really like that.”

Liam makes an embarrassing sound and when Harry looks over at him, his eyelids are dark with arousal and this time, when he leans in to kiss Liam, there’s nothing chaste about it. Harry’s in his lap seconds later and Liam can feel how hard Harry already is. Harry’s fingers scrap against Liam’s scalp, raking through his short hair.

“Please Liam, will you touch me?” Harry’s voice is low and gravelly but there’s a vulnerable tone to it and Liam brings his arm up to latch securely around Harry’s waist.

“I’ll do anything you want Harry.” Liam’s fingers fiddle with Harry’s fly and Harry whines into his neck as the teeth of the zipper drag down. Liam’s pulls at the waist of Harry’s jeans, shuffling him out of them as much as possible considering the position they’re in. He brushes is fingers lightly up the outline of Harry’s cock through his underwear, feels the heat and hardness behind the thin boundary of fabric.

Harry’s hips jump at the contact and his hands scramble for purchase against Liam’s back. Liam curls his fingers into the elastic of Harry’s boxers and slowly pulls them down to reveal Harry’s cock. Harry gasps as the temperature of the room hits his erection and Liam can see the wetness that’s already gathered at the crown.

“Alright Harry?” Liam’s voice is low but this is a huge step in their relationship. Liam wants to do this right but he has to make sure it’s not too much for Harry.

“Please Liam, please.” Harry takes a deep breath, breathing in Liam’s scent and he buries his head further into the crock of Liam’s neck.

“I’ve got you love.” Liam says soothingly as he wraps his fingers around Harry’s thick length and Harry moans like it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. His cock is smooth and Liam swears he can feel it pulsating in his grasp. He has a thought of how much he’d like to taste it but thinks the time to do that probably isn’t now.

Harry starts flexing his hips, making these lovely little shuddering breaths that are bouncing around Liam’s brain and he feels drunk off Harry. The skin of Liam’s neck is damp as Harry’s pants into his flesh, small keening noises escaping when Liam flicks his wrist just so.

“L-liam,” Harry nails dig into Liam’s back as he speaks, “I need to see you.”

Liam leans into Harry, kisses his neck before breathing out, “Anything you need babe, come on, look at me.”

Harry brings his head up slowly, and when they lock eyes, he sighs. His fingers come up, stroking at Liam’s cheeks, neck, collarbones and as Liam keeps up the movement of his hand he can see Harry fighting to keep his eyes open.

“You’re gorgeous Harry.” Liam mumbles and as the words leave his lips Harry eyes slip shut, brows furrowing as he gets closer to orgasm.

Harry’s gasp shakes Liam’s core and his palms press against Liam’s chest and it shakes him. “No, Stop, STOP STOP!” the keening sound causes Liam’s eyes to open in shock and he can barely move his hand before Harry is scrambling off his lap and landing on the floor. He can hear Harry, almost dry-heaving and Liam’s fingers clench as he fights the feeling to rush over and scoop Harry into his arms.

Harry’s bowed forward, spine curved on his pale skin as his hands fist desperately in his curls. A part of Liam is burning in agony as he realizes that this is a sight that has become all too familiar. It’s an endless amount of time, or Liam estimates ten minutes until Harry manages to straighten out his clothes. His green eyes are glazed with tears and the whisper that comes out is so broken, “I’m sor-”

“No. Don’t say you’re sorry because I’m not mad. There’s nothing to be sorry for. Harry that was a big step, there’s nothing to be ashamed about.”

Harry sniffles but nods, “Can I come sit by you?”

Liam smiles, “Of course babe, come on.”

Harry picks himself up off the floor and falls into Liam’s side, burying his head into the crock of Liam’s neck and taking a deep breathe in. “Your smell helps.”

 

+

Harry’s almost insistent after that, any time that he can get Liam alone he starts stripping down, promising Liam he wants this and he’ll be fine this time. It’s the fifth attempt when he breaks.

He’s curled away from Liam on the bed, shaking and pulling at his hair. Liam’s stiff with self-control because he knows he has to wait for Harry to settle down to touch him again but all he wants to do right now is pull Harry’s hands out of his hair and hush him.

Harry rolls onto his back finally and in the dim light Liam can see the tear tracks on his cheeks. “I’m so fucking sick of this. I want you – I want you so bad Liam and I want you to touch me but I  _can’t_ get my subconscious to cooperate.”

“Harry these things take time and –”

“I don’t want to wait! I want to be a normal boyfriend for you! I’ve barely even seen your cock and we’ve been together for months and I  _hate it._ ” More tears leak from the corner of Harry’s eyes and Liam gingerly brings his thumb up to wipe them away.

“I don’t want a normal boyfriend, I want you.”

Harry whimpers, “How do you always know what to say to me?”

Liam smiles, leaning forward and placing a soft kiss to Harry’s cheek, “Because I love you.”

Liam feels like he’s floating after the words slip out. He’s been thinking it for weeks but never said it, not out load, not until now. Harry turns to look at him, eyes red and puffy but the green of his irises is even more prominent.

“I love you too.”

+

Niall’s sprawled out on the living room floor, he’s been trying to make carpet angels for the past ten minutes and continues to cuss out the carpet when it doesn’t cooperate with him. Niall’s drunk. Liam’s sat on the couch, holding his stomach because he can’t stop laughing. Zayn and Louis are crashed on the loveseat talking about quantum physics because Louis is extremely smart, it’s just the only time he lets anyone know that is when he’s three sheets to the wind. Zayn’s only listening because he’s in love and Liam knows he’s only staring at Louis’ lips anyway.

“Where’s your lil’ kitten?” Niall asks, twisting his head so he can stare up at Liam through bleary eyes. Liam doesn’t know why but Niall’s come to calling Harry kitten whenever he’s not around.

“He’s back home, went to see his mum for the weekend.”

“Oh boo! I’ve never seen him pissed and I need to do that to properly initiate him into our close circle. We’re an exclusive club Liam, you should be glad I’m letting him in.”

“Thanks captain.”

Niall salutes him, “If I was into guys I’d fancy Harry, he’s really pretty Liam.”

Liam laughs because he doesn’t really know how to take that. “Um – thanks. I think.”

“My thing is though, like I can appreciate a fit guy, like Harry. My problem is I could never have another guy touching my dick ya know? S’just not my thing, although, I could probably do like a mutual masturbation thing, that’d be okay, I’d do that with Harry. Sorry should probably stop talking about your kitten like that. I’d do that with Becks, he’s a right fit lad.”

 “What’s that Nialler?” Louis asks, Liam figures the word masturbation caught his attention.

“I’d wank off to Becks wanking off.” Niall repeats easily and Liam’s mind is suddenly turning.

“Zayn and I have done that, we don’t last long though, I like touching him.”

Liam makes a face, he absolutely loves Louis and Zayn and loves that they’re together but he would rather not think of them…  _together._

“Uh oh.” Zayn says and when Liam looks up he’s looking directly at him a glint in his eye, “Liam’s got an idea. Need to go call your boy?”

Liam hesitates, because usually he prefers to keep his sexual life private and if he were to get up and call Harry right now, the three of them would know why. But as he continues to think about it he realizes this is exactly what he and Harry need. Fuck it might actually work.

“Yep.” And with that he heads down the hallway to his bedroom to a chorus of laughter and wolf whistles.

Harry picks up on the third ring.

“Hey.” Liam can hear the smile in his voice.

“Hey babe, you busy?”

“Nope, just sat watching Chatty Man with my mum.”

“Um can you excuse yourself? I have an idea.”

Harry pauses for a bit before Liam can hear him shuffling around. A minute or so later he can hear a door shut, “So, you have an idea?”

“Right, so the boys are all pissed and Niall started talking and well, yes I have an idea. Um – have you ever heard about,” embarrassment rolls over him and he can feel the heat rising to his cheeks, “mutual masturbation?”

“…Yeah,”

“Okay, fuck maybe I should have just waited until you were back to tell you this, but I was thinking, you know maybe that might work. You’ve said that you’re able to touch yourself so like we could just lie together and…”

“Wank…”

“Yeah. If this is a stupid idea please tell me, I already feel like an idiot and –”

“No! I – no I  _really_ like the idea. We could… um I’m back on Sunday.”

Liam can feel the heat stirring in the pit of his stomach at Harry’s suggestion. “Yeah,” he breathes, “Sunday, I could come over to yours?”

“I should be back by three.”

“I’ll be at your place at three.”

+

Liam knocks even though Harry knows he here, eager anticipation has been flowing through his veins all day and he’s been half hard since this morning just thinking about it.  Harry opens the door quickly, pulling Liam inside and pushing his lips to Liam’s.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about this last night.” Harry mumbles against his lips as he guides them back to his bedroom. “Fuck, Liam I think this might the best idea you’ve ever had.”

Liam hums in agreement and slides his hands up under Harry’s shirt, feeling the way his stomach muscles jump at the contact. Liam’s fingers dance across Harry’s flesh, feeling out the lines of muscle and soft hair that leads downwards and disappears at his trouser waistline, he wants to take his time but Harry has other ideas. Harry makes a soft whining noise in the back of his throat and pulls his shirt over his head, fingers fumbling with his fly as he strips his jeans off as well.

“Harry we don’t have to rush.”

“I know, I just – I really want to try this Liam.” He’s already stripping out of his pants and lying down on the bed, an expectant look in his eyes.

Liam pulls his button up off, his white undershirt is clinging to him and Harry bites his lip when he can see Liam’s stomach muscles pulled tight under the material. He pulls his jeans off next, keeping his eyes on Harry because this is the first time they’ve both been naked together and as excited as Harry seems, Liam doesn’t want to overwhelm him.

“C’mon Li, get your kit off.” Harry tries to sound confident but his voice cracks just the slightest and Liam kneels on the bed.

“We can wait Harry, I promise. If it’s too much, tell me.”

“No I’m – kiss me.”

Liam lowers his lips to Harry’s, rubbing softly against one other and Harry’s hand comes up to rub through Liam’s short hair. Liam pulls away, kissing the corner of Harry’s mouth and hums as Harry’s fingers press into his scalp.

“Hey.” He whispers, Harry’s eyes flicker open, green locking with brown and Liam smiles, “I love you.”

Harry grins, “I love you too.”

“Now, are you sure you want to keep doing this?”

“Yes.” Harry voices, determination in his tone. “I’m fine, but I promise I will tell if you something gets too much.”

Liam leans in to kiss him again, “Good.” His fingers slip under the waistband of his boxer-briefs and he stretches it out a bit, “Okay if I take these off?”

“Yeah,” Harry breaths, “Please take them off, I wanna see you.”

He slides them down his legs and kicks them off before looking back at Harry. A tiny, almost aborted whine slips past Harry’s lips and his right hand reaches down quickly, squeezing at the base of his cock before working up his length slowly.

“Should I lay down Harry?” and all Harry can manage as a response is a quick nod, lip locked securely between his teeth as he works himself in hand.

Liam’s cautious as he situates himself on the bed, close enough to Harry to that he can feel his body heat but there’s enough space between them that his presence isn’t forceful. Harry’s breathe hitches and Liam can see the way he’s thumbing the head of his cock, “This is what I picture –” a whimper echoes from Harry’s throat, “when I’m alone, what you look like.”

Wet sounds of slick skin are fuzzing out Liam’s focus and his mouth waters when he sees how wet Harry is, leaking precome onto his stomach as he tugs upwards. His cock twitches against his stomach at the sight and Harry makes a keening noise in response.

“ _Liam.”_  Harry’s left hand fists into the sheets below him, “Can you touch yourself, I wanna see, please?”

Liam’s fingers skid down his stomach, muscles tensing under the touch as he dances around his hard shaft until his hips are unintentionally shifting towards his fingers, searching for friction. He exhales harshly through his nose as he wraps his fingers around the hot, hard skin, feeling the pulse beneath the flesh. He pulls upwards slowly, twisting his grip as he reaches the head. Glancing over, he can see how heavy lidded Harry’s eyes are, body taut as pleasure courses through his veins.

“Fuck Harry.” He murmurs, voice raw with arousal as he takes in the current state of his boyfriend. Harry shifts closer at Liam’s words, whether consciously or unconsciously, he’s not sure.

“You’re so fit Liam.” The words rush out as Harry picks up the speed of his hand, hips fucking up into his grip as he nears his release. Liam’s hand slows down as a result, he’s never seen Harry come and he feels the beginnings of his own orgasm leak over his fingers as images of Harry flash through his mind, body tense, orgasm shaking through him, come streaking up his torso and Liam needs to be in his right mind when this happens.

“Harry I want to see you come.”

Harry pants, eyes snapping up to look at Liam instead of his cock. “I’m close.” Harry sighs, and he’s close enough now that Liam can feel Harry’s warm breathe on his cheek, his left hand is between them, nails digging into Liam’s hip but the sharp bite is barely registering. Constant mewling noises are seeping from Harry’s parted lips, hand flying across his cock and Liam feels a pinch of arousal in his lower abdomen so strong he thinks he may actually come even though his dick is currently being left untouched.

Harry gasps, toes curling into the mattress and there’s a quiet moment before he’s moaning out Liam’s name, hot, white ribbons shooting up his stomach and chest, back arching off the bed. Liam hears himself whimper at the sight, feels that desperate feeling build so fast in his balls that he knows the slightest touch is going to finish him off. He waits though, waits until Harry’s sagging back onto the mattress, curls unruly and sticking to his forehead, looking sated and spent and  _beautiful_.

He’s barely gotten a hand around himself, tugging once, then twice before he’s curling in on himself slightly, pleasure rolling over him in folds as his cock kicks wetly over his fist and onto his stomach. Harry moans at his side as if he’s in pain and when Liam glances back over he knows why.

Harry’s fist is wrapped around his dick again, and Liam knows it’s too soon and too much and Harry must be much too sensitive. Harry groans low and raw in his throat, and his cock sputters weakly, another string of come dripping over his fist and he gives a shaky sigh as he drops his hand to his side.

The room’s filled with the sound of heavy breathing and Liam can feel his heart pounding beneath his ribs. Harry makes a soft contended noise before rolling into Liam’s side, arm dragging across the come on his stomach and locking onto his hip, holding him close. Liam smirks, he can feel Harry’s come between the two them as well but Harry doesn’t seem bothered and honestly, Liam’s not going to complain.

“Best idea you’ve ever had.” Harry mumbles into his neck, voice slower than normal as he gets drowsier.

Liam hums, “Definitely, but don’t you think we should clean up a bit before we sleep?”

Harry makes a half-arsed attempt to reach for the kleenex box on his night stand but gives up because he refuses to leave the heat of Liam’s body. Liam laughs, stretching further over before cleaning the both them up and making a half-arsed attempt of his own at making the tissues in the bin.

“Love you.” Harry whispers, seconds away from sleep but Liam feels the way he squeezes a bit tighter at his waist.

Liam tilts his head, kissing the top of Harry’s head, “Love you too.”

+

Liam’s drumming his pen on his leg as he glances up at the clock for the n’teenth time within the past half hour. He’s sat at the library waiting for Harry. They had plans to stop by Lola’s before heading home but Harry’s running behind. Not that’s a new experience as of late, Harry’s currently in the process of writing his dissertation and Liam understands how demanding that can be.

“I’m late, I know I’m late I’m sorry!” He hears and as he looks over his shoulder he sees Harry walking hurriedly towards him, looking a bit out of breathe.

Liam smiles, “No problem babe.” He says but Harry’s lips are on his before all the words are out of his mouth. He strokes his thumb along Harry’s jaw and continues, “I know how busy you are right now. It’s fine.”

“I still feel bad.” Harry murmurs.

Someone clears their throat behind Liam and he watches as the color rises in Harry’s cheek. “Sorry, um Ed, this is Liam, my boyfriend. Liam this is Ed, he’s in a few of my classes.”

There’s a chuckle and Ed is stepping over to Liam, hand extended, “Yeah, with the kiss and all, I kinda figured that.”

Liam stands, excepts Ed’s handshakes and smirks, “Nice to meet you Ed.”

“You too. Alright Harry, I’m off, got things to do and people piss off. I’ll see you Monday.”

“See ya.”

Liam’s fingers interlock with Harry’s and Harry turns to him. “Still wanna swing by Lola’s before we head home?”

“Definitely.”

After the purchase of two hot chocolates and the walk back to the car park, they climb into Liam’s car. They always ride to campus together now, their schedules so close that they’re here at almost all the same times anyway.

The car rumbles to life and as Liam’s about to shift into drive, Harry’s hand comes down onto his.

“Liam. I wanna tell you something.”

He raises his eyebrows, turning his body slightly so Harry knows he has his attention. Harry’s hands find his and Liam brings them up to his mouth, lips brushing lightly over Harry’s knuckles and Harry’s smile widens.

“I just – I don’t feel like I thank you enough for everything you’ve done. You’ve changed me in the best way possible, I’m more confident now, I don’t stutter over my words like I used to. I’m slowly getting over what happened to me and it’s because of you, because your time and patience and love. You’ve been there for me when I’ve never had anyone before. You’ve helped me grow. I’ve made a friend in Ed, I never would had the ability to put myself out there and get to know someone before you. I know that I can never repay you for what you’ve done for me, but I know I’ll be forever grateful.”

“Harry –” Liam’s voice breaks, sounding as wet as his eyes are. “You don’t have to thank me.”

Harry shakes his head, “I know. I know that what you’re doing is because you love me but – fuck I just love you so much.”

Liam’s crying now, openly, and he can see the wet trails on Harry’s cheeks as well. “I love you Harry.”

Liam knows Harry isn’t whole, isn’t entirely perfect, almost like an unfinished painting. He also knows that it may remain a half empty canvas, possible potential and so much beauty within it. But Harry is so strong, so beautiful and the way he grows every day, with each smile curving on to his lips and each care-free laugh, Harry has finally started to change into what he always wanted to be. And Liam’s lips form a giddy prayer every night when he realizes that he can be here for this beautiful curly haired boy who has become the light of his existence. He wants to see this change through, wants to see Harry fall into his arms without restraint and break into tears without fear. He needs Harry so much it hurts and it may be slightly unfinished and slightly dented but it’s perfect.


End file.
